Bridges To Cross

As he waited in the little room just off the main entry way to the church, his mind was at ease. The light sweet sound of a piano came drifting in as he sat looking out a small open window. He gazed out at a sun dappled garden courtyard. In the middle were a reflecting pool and a small bubbling fountain. His nerves which he thought might be frazzled were not, no toe tapping, or even pacing. He was in a peaceful, reflective mood, much like the courtyard in front of him. In several minutes, his daughter would take his arm and they would go for a short stroll together and another bridge would be crossed. He and Katy had certainly had their share of bridges to cross. But cross them they had.

When Laurie had been taken from him that night on a dark and icy road almost 20 years ago, he had not only lost his wife, his partner, his lover and his best friend, he’d really thought he’d lost his every reason to live. Crushed and empty he had gone home from the hospital and spent a very long night, one of many to come, contemplating the real meaning of life. What purpose had this served? What purpose did he serve for that matter? Why had this happened? Is everything in life just a roll of the dice? What was he going to do now? He finally concluded about 3 am the next morning that he just didn’t care anymore. He had no doubt that he could and probably would, become an outstanding failure in life. He would start drinking heavily, eventually lose his job, have to give Katy to his sister to raise and living out the rest of his life alone - even more empty than he presently felt.

Two days later on an overcast and chilly day with low clouds skidding across a gray sky, they had been at the cemetery. Four year old Katy was being held by his sister about twenty feet away and he stood where they had just lowered Laurie. He was in a state of total shock really, head lowered and his body weaving side to side slightly. He was nearly out of his mind with grief. He had told his sister that he just needed a minute…..just one minute, please.

“My God Laurie, what will I do without you?” he asked in a whisper. He was staring down at nothing in particular, his vision clouded by tears of anguish.

There was no sound but the wind and a car going by on the county road way off in the distance. There was no answer to his plea coming – he knew that, but he still waited and then waited some more, his mind a slow whirling mass of nothing.

“I’m going to miss you so much hon…..I…I just feel so alone without you by my side.” He stood for a second more, deciding he better go and then whispered again, “I love you babe.”

As he raised his head and told his wooden legs to move, she had touched him. Gently, so soft in fact that he wasn’t sure at first that it had really happened. He looked straight ahead with dead dull eyes and felt it again. Curling into his hand was another, a tiny hand, warm and soft. Little fingers that were barely able to tuck in between his. He looked down at that sweet innocent face, framed by white blonde hair and big sad blue eyes. Her solemn expression was one of someone years past her age.

“You’re not alone Daddy……I’m here with you” she said quietly. She continued looking up at him with that solemn little look. The breeze blew up again briefly and tossed her hair around her face gently.

“I know baby…..I know. I’m here with you too.” he replied smiling sadly down, then he picked her up and held her tightly for a long time. How selfish he’d been with his pain and how conceited he had been with the anguish. He didn’t think he’d ever stop hugging his little girl.

The piano music stopped and began another song, tugging him out of those thoughts of what seemed like yesterday. He looked at his watch and realized that this would probably be the last song before the procession. Just as he got up, there was a quiet knock on the door, one of the ushers stuck his head and grinned broadly.

“It’s almost time Mr. Simmons” the young man said with excitement.

“I’m on my way, thanks” he replied, straightening his tux and tie.

He went to his appointed spot and waited, the flower girl about the age of Katy in his memories of a moment ago went slowly down the aisle, past pew after pew of smiling faces. The bridesmaids and groomsmen followed, pair after pair.

Then Katy walked out from a small room across the entry way from the one he had been in. My Lord, how beautiful she was……this little girl of his. Like a veiled angel dressed all in white, she flowed and floated her way towards him, smiling a smile that only she had. Making his heart do a slow roll like only she could. They met at the door leading into the sanctuary and paused for a second staring into each others eyes. Her eyes were brimming up with emotion and happiness and his simply soaking up everything he saw before him. She had taken his hand quickly and squeezed, her hand was still small, delicate, soft and warm just like that day so many years ago. They both turned, slowly dragging their look away from each other. She curled her arm in his as the music started. Another bridge to cross he thought to himself and smiled as they entered the ceremony.

As they went, seemingly in slow motion, each step or two down that aisle had brought another memory, a different moment from the past. The thoughts didn’t have to be pulled up, they came on their own, flowing up and out like a favorite home video. Him holding her hand while walking up to the first day of school and then watching her walk the last few steps after he had stopped. Seeing her look back at him bravely and waving. A school play in which she played a tree, kisses good morning and kisses goodnight, a volleyball game for the first time in Jr. High, her first boyfriend and a school dance. Birthday parties and Christmas mornings. Her running up the sidewalk with an honor roll certificate or her driver’s license and backing the car down the driveway. Summer jobs and her High School graduation. Posing for pictures in her prom dress. Going off to college. And so much, much more.

He had made a promise to himself that day in the cemetery. An unspoken promise, to his little girl that he had held onto so tightly. His promise had been simple. He would be there for her, always. He did not promise to know everything he would need to know in raising a daughter without a mother, to have answers to all her questions or to understand things that a mother and daughter just naturally understand. Down through the years, there had been smiles and frowns, laughter and cries, slamming doors and kisses on the cheek, arguments and hugs - every range of emotion that exists. He was sure he had failed miserably along the way at some things but it wasn’t because he didn’t try and because he did try, she had loved him more. He was almost sure of that. Katy had always been a gifted, thoughtful and special child. Missing her mother deeply, but never complaining about it, never drowning in it. He had known nothing of jean styles or bras or menstrual periods or makeup and conditioning shampoos. He had not fully understood the thoughts, feelings and worries of a teenage girl. But, he had been there nonetheless. He’d been there for her in the times when she had really needed him. The times when she had needed him to talk, or when she just needed him to listen.


Suddenly, he found himself stopped in front of the altar and just like that, the memories and moments had stopped playing in his head. What a walk that had just been and how sweet, sad and happy this moment truly was. He looked over at her and smiled. God, how he loved her. She turned to face him with a slow tear, making its way slowly down her cheek, for she too had just watched some of those same moments and memories go by. She smiled back at him with those big blue eyes and mouthed the words, I Love You, to him. He did the same.

He turned, sat down and then looking back up he realized she was still looking at him. Possibly thinking about her mother who had been taken from her, or her father who was giving her away, or wanting to say more to him.

He whispered something to her from a long time ago, “I know baby….I know.” With that she seemed satisfied, and taking a deep breath, she turned back to her husband to be.